Conclusion

 

Finally, Mary was standing by the empty tomb torn apart by grief at the death of Jesus, but Jesus was standing right there in front of her. I would like to describe the time I made the same mistake as Mary.

 

Over nine years ago I had a routine bowel cancer operation that went wrong and a week later I had a 6-7 hour overnight emergency operation starting at 2:00 a.m. which left me with an 7-inch cut in my stomach, an ileostomy (which is like a colostomy but on a different part of the stomach) and three days in intensive care. It was like a week in hell, with, in addition to a great deal of pain, everything going wrong that could possibly go wrong – it would take too long to describe it all (the full story can be seen here). But even worse it felt like God had abandoned me, and Satan was coming to me saying, “You’re in my power now and I’m going to destroy you.” Eventually I was allowed to go home and a few weeks later I had an appointment with the senior consultant who had promised to reverse the ileostomy when I had recovered: so I expected to be given the date. Instead he said it would take at least five months for me to recover before they could perform more surgery, which left me devastated.

 

The next day I decided I needed to try to get myself fit so I could have the operation as soon as possible, so I started by sweeping up the leaves that blow into our drive – filling two big hippo-type bags. My first wife, Gill, came to the tip with me to help me lift the bags to tip the leaves into the skip because I didn't think I had the strength to do it myself. When we got back in the car, I realised my wedding ring was no longer on my finger. I had lost one and a half stones while in hospital and it had become loose. I’d tied string around it to tighten it, but it was a cold day and became loose again.

 

Gill went to tell them my ring had gone into the large skip that was absolutely full of garden waste, and they said they’d close it and do a search. But I knew it was impossible for them to find a small ring in all that rubbish and when we got home I completely fell apart. From now on life was going to continue with everything going wrong, as it began in the hospital. Gill prayed that I would recover my peace and the tip people would find the ring. Then the miracle happened, and in less than an hour they were on the phone saying they had found it. We went back and when I put it back on my finger it felt like God was saying, “Satan’s had his go at you: now it’s my turn.”

 

So I gradually recovered and the day of the operation finally came. Just before I went to the theatre the surgeon who had performed the emergency operation came to me to talk me through what would happen. At one point he said, “I am really impressed with you. You obviously have a very high pain threshold.” I said, “Pardon?” He said, “You have a very high pain threshold.” I said, “Can you give that to me in writing please? My family say I’m the world’s biggest wimp: I have a very low pain threshold.” I know that is true. He said, “When you came into hospital you were really very poorly but didn’t make any kind of fuss, so you must have a high pain threshold.” I said, “There’s been a lot of people praying for me.” But I realised then, that like Mary, when I thought God had abandoned me, He was standing there, protecting me from the worst of the barrage that was coming at me, so much so that a professional surgeon thought the world’s biggest wimp had a very high pain threshold. If I had remembered God’s word: “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5), it would have been a big source of comfort in my great time of need; but instead I looked at what was happening to me.

 

As I went under the anaesthetic I held my ring on my left finger with my right hand and told God that whatever happened in the operation, whether it was successful or not, I knew He was with me and I trusted Him to take care of me. When I came round after the operation, I didn’t need to look at my stomach: I knew I was back to normal, and it felt WONDERFUL.

 

That experience stood me in good stead when, around six years later, I was daily kneeling at the foot of Gill’s grave and breaking my heart that our 53-year marriage was over. I was pleased for her that she was now enjoying the presence of the Lord, but for me it felt like the end of my life too and every day I was falling apart, torn apart by grief. At the beginning of that year I had seen the verses about not doing what is right in our own eyes and ever since had been telling God that I did want what was right in His eyes, and now I continued to do it, but told Him this was unbearable.

 

Then a few days after the funeral one of my regular daily readings that was taking me through Isaiah reached chapter 53.

 

“Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:4-5)

 

Jesus took my grief, but I still had it. Do I believe my experience or God’s word? It didn’t happen straight away, but about two days later I realised the grief had left me, and it never came back. There were other things that caused me great difficulty which wouldn’t have happened had Gill been still there, but the grief of losing her never returned.

 

Then a few months later an even bigger miracle happened when the most wonderful woman in the world came into my life (more details can be seen here) and we married just over a year after Gill’s funeral. It was a huge miracle because Suzanne and I have had completely different upbringing and lives in every way, and yet we are identical in almost every aspect of our lives. It is like God spent my entire lifetime moulding me into the person Suzanne needs, and moulding her into the person I need. After Gill’s death I said I wanted what was right in God’s eyes through gritted teeth: now I know beyond any doubt that what is right in His eyes is the best thing that could possibly happen.

 

None of us are immortal and the day is bound to come when He says, “It’s time for you to come home.” When that happens...

 

“In Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11)

 

…but while we are still here on earth we live in a broken world damaged by the presence of sin, with a vicious enemy going around "like a roaring lion" (1 Peter 5:8), so difficult times may come. However, His way is always best and if we can say, “I want what is right in Your eyes” His power to bring it about is unstoppable. Jesus said:

 

These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

 

I have said all of that to say this: as the disciples discovered when Jesus was resurrected, His word is always true and can be trusted from Genesis 1:1 to Revelation 22:21. If there is a conflict between God’s word and our experience or understanding, it is our experience or understanding that is wrong, not His word. God is always here, and because He gave us His word to tell us what is right in His eyes we can be sure that:

 

“He will never leave us nor forsake us” (Hebrews 13:5)

 

He loves us “with an everlasting love” (Jeremiah 31:3)

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“By His stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:4)

 

“Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” (John 14:27)

 

Tell God you want what is right in His eyes, not yours, and receive His promises now. If you have not experienced a living relationship with Him, see here.

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INDEX

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